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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Part
Executions
Good
Texans
Texan
Execution
Fewer
Texas
Genuine
Funny

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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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