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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Texan
Execution
Fewer
Texas
Genuine
Funny
Part
Executions
Good
Texans

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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.
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Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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