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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Went
Recently
Called
Noticed
Felt
Doctor
Away
Professional
Better
Genuine
Right
Doctors
Something
Building
Comedy
Located

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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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