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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Professional
Away
Genuine
Better
Doctors
Right
Building
Something
Comedy
Located
Recently
Went
Noticed
Called
Doctor
Felt

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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
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I hope I'm beginning a new cycle of energy and creativity. If so, it'll really be my third career. The first was as a straight comic in the Sixties. The second was as a counterculture performer in the Seventies. The third will be...well, that's for others to judge.
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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