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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Called
Noticed
Felt
Doctor
Away
Professional
Better
Genuine
Right
Doctors
Something
Building
Comedy
Located
Went
Recently

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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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