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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Something
Building
Comedy
Located
Went
Recently
Called
Noticed
Felt
Doctor
Away
Professional
Better
Genuine
Right
Doctors

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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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