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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Going
Sarcastic
Witty
Humorous
Genuine
Wouldn
Comedy

More quotes by George Carlin

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
George Carlin
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
George Carlin