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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Feelings
Odd
Chocolate
Bars
Genuine
Eating
Sitting
Toilet
Comedy
Toilets
Feeling
Candy
More quotes by George Carlin
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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