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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Eating
Sitting
Toilet
Comedy
Toilets
Feeling
Candy
Feelings
Odd
Chocolate
Bars
Genuine
More quotes by George Carlin
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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You never see a smiling runner.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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A pear is a failed apple.
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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