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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Bars
Genuine
Eating
Sitting
Toilet
Comedy
Toilets
Feeling
Candy
Feelings
Odd
Chocolate
More quotes by George Carlin
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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The status quo sucks.
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