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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Sitting
Toilet
Comedy
Toilets
Feeling
Candy
Feelings
Odd
Chocolate
Bars
Genuine
Eating
More quotes by George Carlin
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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