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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Witty
Power
Comedian
Many
Humorous
Much
Atheist
Believe
Atheism
People
Authority
Comedy
Humorists
Religion
Pope
More quotes by George Carlin
It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
George Carlin
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
George Carlin
Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
George Carlin
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
George Carlin
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
George Carlin
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
George Carlin
Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
George Carlin
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
George Carlin
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
George Carlin
The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
George Carlin
