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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Much
Atheist
Believe
Atheism
People
Authority
Comedy
Humorists
Religion
Pope
Funny
Witty
Power
Comedian
Many
Humorous
More quotes by George Carlin
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
George Carlin
The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
George Carlin
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
George Carlin
When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
George Carlin
Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
George Carlin
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
George Carlin
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
George Carlin
I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.
George Carlin
The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
George Carlin
If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
George Carlin
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
George Carlin
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
George Carlin
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
George Carlin
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
George Carlin
Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
George Carlin
