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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Power
Comedian
Many
Humorous
Much
Atheist
Believe
Atheism
People
Authority
Comedy
Humorists
Religion
Pope
Funny
Witty

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I believe you can joke about anything.
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
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No comment is a comment.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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