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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Universe
Lows
True
Perception
Littles
Species
Little
Perspective
Humor
Sleet
Alone
Aimed
Rather
Settled
Funny
Genuine

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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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The future will soon be a thing of the past.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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