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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Humor
Sleet
Alone
Aimed
Rather
Settled
Funny
Genuine
Universe
Lows
True
Perception
Littles
Species
Little
Perspective

More quotes by George Carlin

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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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