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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Philosophy
Tickets
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Seat
Funny
Freak
Born
Seats
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Comedian
America
Fronts
Front
Humor
Ticket
More quotes by George Carlin
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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Language always gives you away.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
