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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Pet
Sweat
Comedy
Funny
Reality
Sweaty
Things
Sweating
Life
Swallowing
Petty
More quotes by George Carlin
I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
George Carlin
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
George Carlin
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
George Carlin
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
George Carlin
All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
George Carlin
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
George Carlin
I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
George Carlin
The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
George Carlin
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
George Carlin
Hooray for most things!
George Carlin
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
George Carlin
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
George Carlin
My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
George Carlin
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
George Carlin
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
George Carlin
There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
George Carlin
Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
George Carlin
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
George Carlin
My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
George Carlin
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
George Carlin
