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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Things
Sweating
Life
Swallowing
Petty
Pet
Sweat
Comedy
Funny
Reality
Sweaty

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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
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Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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Life is a series of dogs.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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