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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Life
Swallowing
Petty
Pet
Sweat
Comedy
Funny
Reality
Sweaty
Things
Sweating

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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, Hey, listen to me. Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.
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I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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