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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Soul
Roof
Stuck
Laughter
Gets
Goes
Belief
Dies
Frisbee
Funny
Afterlife

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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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