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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
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George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
George Carlin
