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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Driving
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Noticed
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Ever
Car
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Going
Anybody
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Maniacs
Life
Humor
Idiot
Slower
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Anyone
Faster
Jerk
More quotes by George Carlin
Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
Surround yourself with what you love.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
George Carlin
Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
George Carlin
What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
George Carlin
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
George Carlin
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
George Carlin
