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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Humor
Idiot
Slower
Comedy
Humorous
Moron
Anyone
Faster
Jerk
Funny
Driving
Sarcastic
Inspirational
Safety
Traffic
Ever
Anger
Noticed
Complainers
Going
Car
Witty
Maniac
Life
Anybody
Comedian
Maniacs
More quotes by George Carlin
You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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The status quo sucks.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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