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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Sarcastic
Tonight
Humorous
Weather
Laughter
Forecasting
Smart
Forecast
Dark
Forecasts
Sarcasm
More quotes by George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
George Carlin
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
George Carlin
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
George Carlin
Does killing time damage eternity?
George Carlin
Surround yourself with what you love.
George Carlin
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
George Carlin
I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
George Carlin
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
George Carlin
The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
George Carlin
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
George Carlin
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
George Carlin
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
George Carlin
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
George Carlin
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
George Carlin
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
George Carlin
By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
George Carlin
One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
George Carlin
