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If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Married
Girl
Monroe
Marilyn
Cheat
Ugly

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At my age flowers scare me.
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When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
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What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
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Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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In those days the best painkiller was ice it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
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Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .
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Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
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In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
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When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
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There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
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