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If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
George Burns
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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Girl
Monroe
Marilyn
Cheat
Ugly
Married
More quotes by George Burns
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
George Burns
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
George Burns
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
George Burns
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
George Burns
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
George Burns
How can I die? I'm booked.
George Burns
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
George Burns
It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
George Burns
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
George Burns
As long as you're working, you stay young.
George Burns
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
George Burns
Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
George Burns
Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
George Burns
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
George Burns
I get a standing ovation just standing
George Burns
Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .
George Burns
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
George Burns
Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
George Burns
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns