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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Rocks
Bring
Party
Benny
Scotch
Jack

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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
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In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
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I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
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Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
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Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
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In those days the best painkiller was ice it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
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If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
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I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
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Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
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Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
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When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
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How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
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Say Goodnight Gracie.
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In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
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Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
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I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.
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