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It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Cutting
Hair
Either
Everyone
Running
Government
Screwed
Things
Driving
Surprise

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When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
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Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
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I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
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I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
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Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!
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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
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Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
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I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
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None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
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Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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As long as you're working, you stay young.
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Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
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Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
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Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
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Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
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And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
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