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It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Government
Screwed
Things
Driving
Surprise
Cutting
Hair
Either
Everyone
Running

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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
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With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
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In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
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Life's but a day at most.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
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Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
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How can I die? I'm booked.
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In those days the best painkiller was ice it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
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When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
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Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
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I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
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Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
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I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
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How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
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Say Goodnight Gracie.
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