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It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Running
Government
Screwed
Things
Driving
Surprise
Cutting
Hair
Either
Everyone

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Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .
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I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
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Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
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Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
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When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
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I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
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When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
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What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
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In those days the best painkiller was ice it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
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I can't afford to die I'd lose too much money.
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Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.
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Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
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When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
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And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
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