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It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Government
Screwed
Things
Driving
Surprise
Cutting
Hair
Either
Everyone
Running

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Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
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I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
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When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
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I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.
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What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
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As long as you're working, you stay young.
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.
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Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
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Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
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Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
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I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
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Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
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