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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
George Burns
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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Martini
Spill
Jogging
Spills
Makes
Never
More quotes by George Burns
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
George Burns
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
George Burns
Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
George Burns
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
George Burns
My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.
George Burns
Say Goodnight Gracie.
George Burns
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
George Burns
When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
George Burns
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
George Burns
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
George Burns
In those days the best painkiller was ice it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
George Burns
Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
George Burns
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
George Burns
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
George Burns
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
George Burns
Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.
George Burns
Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.
George Burns
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
George Burns
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
George Burns
