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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Cigar
Paid
Sleep
Firsts
First

More quotes by George Burns

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It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
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I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
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I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
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I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.
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There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
George Burns
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
George Burns
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns
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I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
George Burns
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
George Burns
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I get a standing ovation just standing
George Burns
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Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
George Burns
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I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.
George Burns
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I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
George Burns
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Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
George Burns
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
George Burns
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In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
George Burns
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns