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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Cigar
Paid
Sleep
Firsts
First

More quotes by George Burns

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And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
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I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
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Life's but a day at most.
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Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
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Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!
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With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
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The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.
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I get a standing ovation just standing
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I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns
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Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
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When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
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In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
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Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
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I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
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Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
George Burns
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
George Burns