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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Cigar
Paid
Sleep
Firsts
First

More quotes by George Burns

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With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
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Be quick to learn and wise to know.
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When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
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I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
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I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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Life's but a day at most.
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At my age flowers scare me.
George Burns
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Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
George Burns
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Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
George Burns
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I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
George Burns
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Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
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This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
George Burns
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns
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I get a standing ovation just standing
George Burns
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What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
George Burns
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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
George Burns
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How can I die? I'm booked.
George Burns
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Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
George Burns