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Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Might
Hand
Phones
Hard
Since
Obviously
Made
Fact
Seven
Something
Moving
Havens
Facts
Haven
Telephones
Hands
Number
Grandchildren
Two
Move
Phone
Kids
Numbers
Humorous

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The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.
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I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
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When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
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Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
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What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
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I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
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I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
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I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
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Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
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I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
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There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
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When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
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If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
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When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
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Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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