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Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.
George Burns
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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
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Street Artist
Television Actor
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New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
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More quotes by George Burns
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
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What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
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When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
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Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
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Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
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I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
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In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
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There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
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Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
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When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
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If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
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I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
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How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns
