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I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
George Burns
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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Elders
Brought
Anybody
Respect
More quotes by George Burns
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
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Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
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Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
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There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
George Burns
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .
George Burns
I can't afford to die I'd lose too much money.
George Burns
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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Life's but a day at most.
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What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
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She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.
George Burns
