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I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Funny
Understand
History
Kids
Flunked
Littles
Humorous
Little
Humor
Age
American

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In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
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My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.
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Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .
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There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
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I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
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When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
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This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
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Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
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At my age flowers scare me.
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Say Goodnight Gracie.
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I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
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Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
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Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns
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Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
George Burns
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Be quick to learn and wise to know.
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Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
George Burns