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I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
History
Kids
Flunked
Littles
Humorous
Little
Humor
Age
American
Funny
Understand

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If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
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If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
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In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
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Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
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I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
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A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
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There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
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I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
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My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
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When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
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Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
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Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
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There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
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