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This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
George Burns
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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Sixth
Comedy
Written
Guy
Read
Two
Book
More quotes by George Burns
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
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I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
George Burns
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
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I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.
George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
I get a standing ovation just standing
George Burns
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
George Burns
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
George Burns
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
George Burns
Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
George Burns
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
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It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.
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Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
George Burns
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
George Burns
Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.
George Burns
And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
George Burns
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
George Burns
