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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

George Burns

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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Humor
Stoop
Wonder
Stoops
Getting
Hilarious
Funny
Retired
Else
Retiring
Retirement
Ties
Aging
Shoelaces

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There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
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I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
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At my age flowers scare me.
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My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
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I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
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Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
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It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
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Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
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As long as you're working, you stay young.
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Say Goodnight Gracie.
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A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
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If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
George Burns