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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
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George Burns
Age: 100 †
Born: 1896
Born: January 20
Died: 1996
Died: March 9
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Street Artist
Television Actor
Writer
New York City
New York
Nathan Birnbaum
George N. Burns
Takes
Liquor
Remember
Drank
Alcohol
Fourteenth
Drunk
Thirteenth
Clever
Drunkards
Drinking
Cocktails
Drink
Drunkenness
Trouble
Alcoholism
More quotes by George Burns
Let me get one thing straight I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.
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How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
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I get a standing ovation just standing
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When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
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I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
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I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.
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Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!
George Burns
And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
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I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
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When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
George Burns
Life's but a day at most.
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I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
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Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
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If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
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Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
George Burns
In those days the best painkiller was ice it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
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I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
George Burns
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
George Burns
