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Willem, I suspect deep down you know exactly why you're here, exactly what you want, but you're unwilling to the wanting, let alone the having. Because both of those propositions are terrifying.
Gayle Forman
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Gayle Forman
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: June 5
Writer
LA
California
Alone
Unwilling
Terrifying
Propositions
Suspect
Suspects
Wanting
Exactly
Deep
Willem
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It takes certain kind of naiveté, or perhaps just stupidity, to know things will end and still hope otherwise.
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I've become to realize there's a world of difference between knowing something happened, even knowing why it happened, and believing it.
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Willem tsk-tsks. You Americans are so violent. I'm Dutch. The worst I will do is run her over with a bicycle.
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It's okay if you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting.
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Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you.
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And that's just it, isn't it? That's how we manage to survive the loss. Because love, it never dies, it never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it.
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Suddenly, it's all too much. Bryn and the bump watch. Vanessa with my high school yearbook. The idea that nothing's sacred. Everything's fodder. That my life belongs to anyone but me.
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But then Mason touches my neck, to the spot on it where the cut from that night has since healed, and I pull away. He was right, after all it didn't leave a scar, though part of me wishes it had. At least I'd have some evidence, some justification of this permanence. Stains are even worse when you're the only one who can see them.
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By that point, it’ll have been more than year since I met Lulu. Any sane person would say it’s too late. It already felt too late that first day, when I woke up in the hospital. But even so, I’ve kept looking. I’m still looking.
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I'm so tired of missing things I don't have.
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I want to ask him where that kitchen is. Where he's from. But he seems guarded. Or maybe it's me. Maybe making friends is a specific skill, and I missed the lesson.
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Really? Was that how you quit me?
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There are like twenty people in that waiting room right now. Some of them are related to you. Some of them are not. But we're all your family.' She stops now. Leans over me so that the wisps of her hair tickle my face. She kisses me on the forehead. 'You still have a family,' she whispers.
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My first impulse is not to grab her or kiss her or yell at her. I simple want to touch her cheek, still flushed from the night's performance. I want to cut through the space that separates us, measured in feet-not miles, not continents, not years-and to take a callused finger to her face.
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Even going to jail would be easy compared to losing you.
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..all I left with was the magnitude of my mistake, of my missing you. And I have to watch you from this distance, watch you achieve your dreams, live what seemed like this perfect life.
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I'm not choosing, but I'm running out of fight.
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