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This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

Garrison Keillor

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Garrison Keillor
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: August 7
Author
Comedian
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Anoka
Minnesota
Gary Edward Keillor
Bigs
Reason
Book
Drunks
Humorists
Fail
Failing
Books
Read

More quotes by Garrison Keillor

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Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.
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Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either
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I can write anywhere. I write in airports. I write on airplanes. I've written in the back seats of taxis. I write in hotel rooms. I love hotel rooms. I just write wherever I am whenever I need to write.
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Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already.
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Sport is a seductive metaphor (life as a game in which we gain victory through hard work, discipline, and visualizing success). but the older metaphor of farming (life as hard labor that is subject to weather and quirks of blind fate and may return no reward whatsoever and don't be surprised) is still in our blood.
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My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time.
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Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.
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Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.
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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
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..people (in Minnesota) avoid stupidity when possible, not wanting to be a $10 haircut on a 50 cent head.
Garrison Keillor
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A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
Garrison Keillor
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If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
Garrison Keillor
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It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
Garrison Keillor
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Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our house, and He had me all sketched out down to what size my feet would be (big), which bike I would ride (Schwinn), and the five ears of corn I'd eat for supper that night.
Garrison Keillor
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For me, the monologue was the favorite thing I had done in radio. It was based on writing, but in the end it was radio, it was standing up and leaning forward into the dark and talking, letting words come out of you.
Garrison Keillor
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It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about the lives of geese than to make three hundred fat and flabby about God or the American people.
Garrison Keillor
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I want to resume the life of a shy person.
Garrison Keillor
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People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.
Garrison Keillor
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Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
Garrison Keillor
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The great unrequited love tears open your heart to the beauty of the world, its small rivers and upland meadows. It also makes you kinder to the next hundred thousand persons who cross your path.
Garrison Keillor