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The majority of people who keel over dead at concerts are killed by a long trumpet passage.

Garrison Keillor

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Garrison Keillor
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: August 7
Author
Comedian
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Anoka
Minnesota
Gary Edward Keillor
Passages
Concerts
Killed
Majority
Dead
Keel
Music
Trumpet
Long
Trumpets
People
Passage

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A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
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... and people are to march around the church to commemorate the event, Palm Sunday, when Jesus rode into Jerusalem and was greeted with applause and with palms. People thought he had come to overthrow the Romans, but ... no ... he had come to change THEM ... and that led to things turning bad.
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A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
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Beauty isn't worth thinking about what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor
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English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.
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Sport is a seductive metaphor (life as a game in which we gain victory through hard work, discipline, and visualizing success). but the older metaphor of farming (life as hard labor that is subject to weather and quirks of blind fate and may return no reward whatsoever and don't be surprised) is still in our blood.
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Sometimes you have to avoid mentioning things because people's feelings are tender.
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Face it: a nation that maintains a 72% approval rating on George W. Bush is a nation with a very loose grip on reality.
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Being rich and thin isn't everything.
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... I never was one to get upset about a few scratches on a motor vehicle, it is meant to be used, not saved.
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In Lake Wobegon, we don't forget mistakes.
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We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.
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Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they're in their own home and nobody's there.
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I usually don't work with other people I do the whole show myself.
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Secret of life is to go through something harrowing that doesnt kill you...and to love one woman for the rest of your life.
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Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.
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I can write anywhere. I write in airports. I write on airplanes. I've written in the back seats of taxis. I write in hotel rooms. I love hotel rooms. I just write wherever I am whenever I need to write.
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IMPORTANT Book reading is a solitary and sedentary pursuit, and those who do are cautioned that a book should be used as an integral part of a well-rounded life, including a daily regimen of rigorous physical exercise, rewarding personal relationships, and sensible low-fat diet. A book should not be used a as a substitute or an excuse.
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In the end, all solutions are temporary.
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It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
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