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They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Garrison Keillor

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Garrison Keillor
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: August 7
Author
Comedian
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Anoka
Minnesota
Gary Edward Keillor
Days
Nice
Funny
Funerals
Death
Funeral
Makes
Miss
Going
Mines
Things
Mine
People
Missing

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You now have learned enough to see That Cats are much like you and me And other people whom we find Possessed of various types of mind. For some are sane and some are mad And some are good and some are bad And some are better, some are worse — But all may be described in verse.
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We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.
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Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
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Sport is a seductive metaphor (life as a game in which we gain victory through hard work, discipline, and visualizing success). but the older metaphor of farming (life as hard labor that is subject to weather and quirks of blind fate and may return no reward whatsoever and don't be surprised) is still in our blood.
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I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in the rain so much that I loved.
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Freedom doesn't mean aimlessness. We can't just sleepwalk through life.... Freedom demands structure.
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Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.
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Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
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When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.
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God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
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Beauty isn't worth thinking about what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor
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Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.
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Honesty is a rare commodity in a palace, and that is why so many fairy-tale marriages end up on the rocks.
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A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
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Children can find other children to be pals. Children need fathers to be fathers.
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Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.
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Sometimes you have to avoid mentioning things because people's feelings are tender.
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As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately.
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