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They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Garrison Keillor

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Garrison Keillor
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: August 7
Author
Comedian
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Anoka
Minnesota
Gary Edward Keillor
Makes
Miss
Going
Mines
Things
Mine
People
Missing
Days
Nice
Funny
Funerals
Death
Funeral

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Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.
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Sometimes you have to avoid mentioning things because people's feelings are tender.
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A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
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Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.
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For me, the monologue was the favorite thing I had done in radio. It was based on writing, but in the end it was radio, it was standing up and leaning forward into the dark and talking, letting words come out of you.
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Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.
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When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.
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We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
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We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?
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In romance, as in life, you only learn when you're losing.
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Spending time in a church does not make you religious, any more than spending time in a garage makes you a car.
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I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.
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Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
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I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
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Dogs don't lie and why should I? Strangers come they growl and bark, they know their loved ones in the dark, Now let me, by night or day, Be just as full of truth as they.
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To choose Norm Coleman over Walter Mondale is like going to a great steakhouse and ordering the tuna sandwich.
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A child can educate just about anybody.
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Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.
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The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think of the damage they would do if they were at the job instead, you can see why golf courses are a wise investment for any municipality.
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It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
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