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They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Garrison Keillor

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Garrison Keillor
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: August 7
Author
Comedian
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Anoka
Minnesota
Gary Edward Keillor
Things
Mine
People
Missing
Days
Nice
Funny
Funerals
Death
Funeral
Makes
Miss
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Mines

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I don't have a great eye for detail. I leave blanks in all of my stories. I leave out all detail, which leaves the reader to fill in something better.
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Your life is a work of art, and in the end, the underlying theme of great art is bravery and hope and love.
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Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
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The greatness of America is that it produces exuberant geniuses like Louis Armstrong and Fred Astaire and Leonard Bernstein. We are meant to be a jazzy people who talk big and jump on the table and dance we aren't supposed to be dopey and glum and brood over old injuries.
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A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.
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IMPORTANT Book reading is a solitary and sedentary pursuit, and those who do are cautioned that a book should be used as an integral part of a well-rounded life, including a daily regimen of rigorous physical exercise, rewarding personal relationships, and sensible low-fat diet. A book should not be used a as a substitute or an excuse.
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Roy Blount's stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door
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The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don't want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.
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The majority of people who keel over dead at concerts are killed by a long trumpet passage.
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Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already.
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When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.
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I write on a laptop, so it's impossible to count drafts anymore.
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..people (in Minnesota) avoid stupidity when possible, not wanting to be a $10 haircut on a 50 cent head.
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There's so many people who move around our country and lose track of their own ancestry. It's nice to know where you come from.
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People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
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I remember when I switched from Christmas to sex as the secret of happiness.
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Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.
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Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.
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We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.
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We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
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