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They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Garrison Keillor

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Garrison Keillor
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: August 7
Author
Comedian
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Singer
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Anoka
Minnesota
Gary Edward Keillor
Days
Nice
Funny
Funerals
Death
Funeral
Makes
Miss
Going
Mines
Things
Mine
People
Missing

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Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
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Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.
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Secret of life is to go through something harrowing that doesnt kill you...and to love one woman for the rest of your life.
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Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.
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Pumpkin pie is a living symbol of mediocrity. The best pumpkin pie you ever ate wasn't all that much different from the worst pumpkin pie you ever ate.
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Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.
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Have interesting failures.... If you need to have a personal crisis have it now. Don't wait until midlife, when it will take longer to resolve.... Don't pity yourselves. Lighten up. Seek people with a sense of humor. Avoid humorless people-and do not marry one, for God's sake.
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A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.
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Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.
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Liberalism is dead, so dead that Democrats have all become moderate Republicans, and the heavy hand of Big Government is now limp and damp and trembly.
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Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
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Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.
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Face it: a nation that maintains a 72% approval rating on George W. Bush is a nation with a very loose grip on reality.
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People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.
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I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.
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Scripture doesn't promise that God will remove temptation, only that you'll be given strength to withstand it.
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March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.
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Winter: It's not just a season, it's who we are.
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The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don't want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.
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Humor is not about problems with airline luggage handlers. It's about our lives in America and it's about the ends of our lives and it's about everything that happens after that and everything that happened before.
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