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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Kinds
Jokes
Funny
Two
Kind
Benny
Jack

More quotes by Fred Allen

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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
Fred Allen
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
Fred Allen
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
Fred Allen
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
Fred Allen
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
Fred Allen
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
Fred Allen
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Fred Allen
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen
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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
Fred Allen
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Fred Allen
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
Fred Allen
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred Allen
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
Fred Allen
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
Fred Allen
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
Fred Allen
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Fred Allen