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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Jokes
Funny
Two
Kind
Benny
Jack
Kinds

More quotes by Fred Allen

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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Fred Allen
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Fred Allen
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Fred Allen
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Fred Allen
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Fred Allen
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
Fred Allen
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
Fred Allen
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
Fred Allen
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In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
Fred Allen
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Fred Allen
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Fred Allen
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Fred Allen
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
Fred Allen
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Fred Allen
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
Fred Allen
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Fred Allen
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If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
Fred Allen
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
Fred Allen