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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Art
Place
Great
Orange
Entertainment
Hollywood

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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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