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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Place
Great
Orange
Entertainment
Hollywood
Art

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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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Television is the triumph of machine over people.
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
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A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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