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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Agent
Agents
Except
Gets
Percent
Everything
Headaches
Blinding
Headache

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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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