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On ships they call them barnacles in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

Fred Allen

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Fred Allen
Age: 61 †
Born: 1894
Born: May 31
Died: 1956
Died: March 17
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Cambridge
Massachusetts
John Florence Sullivan
Call
Barnacles
President
Attach
Business
Presidents
Desks
Vice
Ships
Vices
Called

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The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
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A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
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Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
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